Learning to say yes instead of no

This has been a year of firsts — which might seem odd for a 28-year-old.

It’s not that I didn’t have firsts in my life already: my first child, my marriage, plenty of first days of school, the first time I drove a four-wheeler (disaster), the first time I ziplined, the first time I auditioned for a play, my first job.

But many of those experiences came when I was too young for my anxiety to stop me; and even then, my mother’s memory of ziplining in Alaska is likely very different from mine. I was terrified. I did it because I wanted my family to think I was brave, adventurous, fearless. It was a portion of my identity I wanted to keep so badly.

Try as I might, I lost it shortly after getting married. My anxiety simply got the better of me. I said no more often than I yes, and I didn’t bother to challenge myself. I was a “grown-up” now. I was a homebody. It was over.

In 2024, I promised to experience new firsts, to say yes instead of no.

This year, when presented the opportunity to fly, I took it — literally and figuratively. I joined a choir, even though I’d always felt the fees were too expensive and the rehearsals too much of a commitment. I started street performing, even though passersby often film and take photos over which I have no control.

I volunteered at the library, even though I worried I wouldn’t fit in. I climbed up and stood on the balcony of the De Zwaan Windmill, even though my anxiety screamed at me to get down.

I tried waxing (big no), then laser hair removal (big yes). I tried Nailboo (big no), then gel stick-ons (less no), then Color Street (big yes). I bought tooth whitening strips. I spent money on clothes and shoes — all things I’d told myself were too costly and self-absorbed before. It’s not true; feeling good is so important to mental health. I wish I’d known it sooner.

I started eating better, cooking more. I wrote a song for the first time in years. I decided to finish writing my book, but not for an agent or a publishing house: to share on own terms, in my own way. For years, I told myself I wouldn’t be a “real author” if I self-published. Now, I realize I’ll maintain the most important thing I can have as a writer — control over myself and my future.

I even said yes to wisdom tooth surgery; something I’ve put off for years. I made the appointment with the oral surgeon … then an infection took the decision out of my hands. But it’s the thought that counts, right?

It turns out, you don’t need to wait on “that one thing” to live your life. “I’ll do it when I have more money,” we say. “I’ll do it when I have more time. “I’ll do it after I lose the weight.” “I’ll do it when things settle down.”

I’m so glad I stopped waiting and started doing. Because despite all the voices in your head saying you can’t, you can.

You can, you can, you can.

And in light of that, I think now is a good time for me to take a little blogging break, as I evaluate what “first” will come next. My son is home for the summer, and I plan to use that extra time for family outings and fun. I’d like to return in the fall, but if I’ve learned anything this year, it’s that things change.

So, we’ll see, readers. Thank you so much for participating in this experiment of mine. The first six months of 2024 have brought so much. I can’t wait to see what happens next.